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                永遠的田螺阿姨

                小故事網 時間:2016-04-26 千夜

                  突如其來的田螺阿姨

                  我開了門。她從廚房出來,臉上掛著拘謹的笑,由于緊張,兩只手在圍裙上不斷揉搓著。她是一個五十多歲的老太太,體形細瘦,面色蒼白,有一只挺直的鼻。

                  兩個月前,我和相戀五年的男友分手。半個月前,我在電話里對母親說,不需要你來,我可以照顧自己。三天前,母親在電話里對我說,不放心你,我給你請了個保姆。

                  我知道,她請的人要么是遠房親戚,要么是老姐妹。可是,對面的老太太操一口吳儂軟語,我驚呆了,她是南京人。身在太原的母親竟然能給我找一個南京的保姆。而且,托人把我家的鑰匙給了她。我還沒回家,保姆已經上崗了。母親在電話里說,放一百個心,琴姨人很好。她是母親一個老朋友,因為家里經濟問題,母親先預支了她半年工資。

                  周末。我帶琴姨逛菜場。其實,我平時很少來菜場。五年里,都是男友做飯,我連煤氣怎么開都不知道。琴姨看我的眼神總帶點淡淡的溫情,似乎相識很久。

                  晚上五點,琴姨會打我的電話。她問,什么時候到家,末了加上一句,路上注意安全。晚餐四菜一湯,葷素搭配得甚好。清炒芋艿不加蔥花,涼拌牛肉不要香菜,清炒土豆絲要放醋。她果真功課做得很足,對我的飲食摸得門兒清。

                  一個星期。她將我凌亂的家變成一個清爽的小兩室。米白的沙發放了幾個玫紅的抱枕,墻角玻璃瓶里干掉的富貴竹換了大束百合。厚重的灰色窗簾換成了天藍的亞麻。肖然走后,我經常躺在灰暗的房間,整個人好像陷入一個黑洞。而此時,我睜開眼睛,看到陽光透過窗簾映出一抹幽藍,宛如徜徉在海洋里,整個人都是輕盈的。

                  永遠的田螺阿姨這肯定是母親的主意。她知道,我是一個多么自尊的人。婚禮前夕,準新郎落跑,而我還孤單地生活在我們的婚房里。這樣的羞愧境遇下,我未必愿意見母親。所以,她給我送來一個田螺阿姨。

                  我的疏離,她的貼近

                  我和琴姨交談多數在餐桌。

                  她的丈夫很早病逝,女兒嫁在本地,兒子大學畢業剛參加工作。這些年,她為了兒子讀書,一直在城市打工。我說,我的母親也一樣。我幼年學鋼琴,費用昂貴。她白天上班,晚上在一家醫院做陪護。大學畢業,我要在這個城市安家,她賣了市里的房子搬到了鄉下。琴姨聽了很動容。

                  琴姨問,你和肖然為什么分手?

                  她的問題很多人問過,包括我的母親。其實,答案就是婚禮前三個月,他遇見真愛了。琴姨還想說些什么,我借口去書房了。我覺得沒必要和一個保姆說這么多。人與人過于親近就會變得[羅] [嗦]。我不想她和我的母親一樣。

                  我蓄意疏離琴姨。吃完早點,我就上班。吃完晚飯,我就進了臥室。她一定能感覺到我的疏離。那些欲言又止的表情我見過很多次。

                  沉淪是一個黑洞。如果你想深入其中,它一定會讓你跌落。我開始對任何事情沒了興趣。周末,睡得昏天黑地。九點,她敲門。十點,她敲門。十二點,她還敲門。我終于忍不住憤怒。我在電話里對母親吼,我要辭掉保姆。可是,打開門,看到琴姨受傷的眼神,還有餐桌上被海碗扣著的飯菜,我開不了口。她怎么知道,我只是想虐待一下自己,身體的傷害可以分擔我精神的痛苦。

                  我去泡吧。

                  凌晨,電話一直在響,我不接。眼淚決堤般,一杯紅酒灌下喉嚨。后來,我記得,我被人扶進了一輛車。第二天早上,我接到一個男人的電話。他問,還好嗎?原來他看不過我一個女孩在酒吧爛醉,他回撥了那個未接來電,整整二十八個。

                  他說,以后別這樣了,你媽都嚇哭了。

                  洗手間里。琴姨正在清洗我換下來的衣服,我說,可以機洗的。她抬頭,沒事,搓搓就好。我看到她一雙紅腫的眼睛,布滿了血絲。我突然覺得自己多么自私。她是真的關心我,我為什么要拒人千里之外呢?我開始和琴姨重新熟絡。

                  單位加班。我說,不回去吃晚飯了,叫個外賣湊合下。一個小時后,同事說,許麗,你媽在樓下和保安吵架了。我飛速下樓。琴姨提了個不銹鋼的保溫壺。看到我,她對保安說,我沒騙人,我是真的給孩子送飯。

                  那是一壺紅參雞湯。

                  一連半月。琴姨每天都送飯菜來。每次我吃到嘴里還是熱的。我對她說,其實不必這么麻煩。她笑笑,閑著沒事情,有直達車呀。同事都說,許麗,你媽太寵你了。我說,她不是我媽,我家保姆而已,大家都驚訝了。

                  在她的愛里學會治愈自己

                  肖然回來收拾行李。

                  他的新女友坐在客廳的沙發上。我渾身的血液都在沸騰,兩只拳頭捏得緊緊,我不知道自己何時會爆發。琴姨一把將我拉進書房,鄭重其事地說,一段感情既然結束了,就讓大家都活得像個人樣吧。

                  我和琴姨下樓,對肖然說,走時把門帶上。我注意到肖然眼晴里的驚異,他一定以為我會哭會鬧,可是,我讓他失望了。我覺得,我做得很棒,甚至有點崇拜自己。可是,我還是哭了。琴姨拍拍我的背,哭吧,哭出來就好。

                  那個晚上,琴姨陪我走了很長一段路。我在前面,她在后面。我說,你先回,我想一個人靜一下。她應了。走了很久,轉頭,我看到有個熟悉的影子隱匿在一片昏暗里。

                  我開始變得忙碌。路過一家健身所,琴姨硬讓我去看看。一個在玩啞鈴的健身男突然對我微笑。那晚,我被琴姨順利過渡給了健身房。一周三次的有氧運動。

                  琴姨教我做豬凍肘子,我還像模像樣地補了一件開線的上衣。陽臺上種的芍藥冒出了芽,一杯藤蘿被我養得活色生香。健身男經常約我吃飯,可是我都沒空。

                  我報了個德語班。經常吃完飯,我騎著單車匆匆趕往培訓中心。我的德語老師是個藍眼睛的德國帥哥。他說,lily,你總是充滿活力的樣子。

                  一晃半年過去。一日中午,我和琴姨兩個人吃飯。中途琴姨去了很久洗手間。再出來,她的臉色極差。我帶她去了醫院,她卻拒絕檢查。她越來越虛弱,只是面對我,她永遠溫暖地微笑著。

                  兩個月后,她說,我要回南京了,女兒家有點事情。她走的前幾天,正值金秋十月,她卻把我的冬被全部拆洗了一遍,家里的角落也打掃得干干凈凈。她在商場給我挑了一套漂亮的餐具,她說這瓷盤上的桃花很漂亮,盛上菜也賞心悅目。我送她到火車站。候車室人群涌動。她撫摩了下我的臉,眼睛里盡是不舍。她說,孩子,你終于讓人放心了。臨走,她塞給我一個絲絨盒子。

                  這是我們的最后一面。

                  一切都是最好的結局

                  四個月后。母親打來電話,琴姨去世了。這個消息有點突然。母親還想說什么,被我打斷了。我說,媽媽,你要保重身體,你是我永遠的媽媽。那頭,母親沉默了。其實,我知道母親要告訴我什么。

                  琴姨是我的親生母親。

                  她去公司給我送飯。同事說,許麗,你家保姆和你真像。那天,我站在洗手間的鏡前,我看到自己細長的眉眼,高挺的鼻,這分明是琴姨年輕的樣子,我的眼淚瘋涌。十七歲,我曾在家里的抽屜發現了一張收養說明。原來,我是一個棄嬰。這些年,我從不提及,因為這些都不重要。

                  那個絲絨盒子呈放了一只玉鐲子,青玉色,晶瑩透亮。它曾經戴在琴姨手腕上。始終,我沒有喚過琴姨一聲媽媽。因為,我知道,我們之間需要的不是這一聲稱呼。每一個母親來到曾經被放棄的孩子身邊,不是為相認,而是為補償,心安。

                  所以,在那段糟糕的感情里,我才終于保持了優雅。我不想讓她為我擔心。我主動學習下廚是想讓她放心,以后即使一個人,我也會照顧自己。我去辦了健身卡,我要讓她覺得,我是一個熱愛生活的人。

                  幸好,我的努力讓她露出了久違的笑。而這些最初的蓄意之為,也漸漸改變了我。我真的從那個黑洞里爬了出來。可是我還是欠她一聲——媽媽。

                  我想起,她曾對我說,其實我也有個女兒,只是現在不在了。我望著她的眼睛說,沒事,以后你就當我是你的女兒吧。當時,她哭了,眼淚打在手背上。

                  我想,這個結局很好,很好!

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